First Baptist Church Litchfield
June 21, 2026

      • Psalm 103:13–17ESV

  • All Creatures Of Our God And King
  • God Delights In You
  • I Could Sing Of Your Love Forever

      • Luke 15:20–24ESV

  • This Is My Father's World
  • The Goodness of Jesus
  • One of the greatest tensions in fatherhood is knowing how to balance authority and affection.
    Some fathers lean heavily toward authority. Rules are clear. Expectations are high. Discipline is swift. But affirmation is rare. Children grow up wondering, "Can I ever do enough to make Dad proud?" This is evident in authoritarian parenting, which demands obedience through fear and control rather than cultivating obedience through love, instruction, and relationship. Biblical parenting is authoritative, not authoritarian. Authoritative fathers exercise loving authority for the good of their children. Authoritarian fathers exercise control for their own convenience, comfort, or sense of power.
    Other fathers lean heavily toward affirmation. Encouragement is abundant. Feelings are protected. But boundaries are weak. You see this today in gentle parenting, which is a child-centered approach that over emphasizes empathy, emotional connection, and understanding a child's feelings while minimizing punishment and the word “no.” At its best, gentle parenting rightly recognizes that children need compassion, patience, and relationship. At its worst, it neglects biblical authority, discipline, and correction. It elevates a child's feelings above God's wisdom.
    Falling squarely on one side of this spectrum or the other is not a problem of a philosophy of parenting. It is a problem of your heart.
    Since Genesis 3, parents, and specifically fathers, have struggled to reflect God accurately. Some distort God's authority by becoming harsh. Others distort God's kindness by becoming passive. We either provoke our children through sinful control or neglect our responsibility through sinful indifference.
    The result is exactly what Paul warns against: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger."
    Our children desperately need both truth and grace, both correction and encouragement, both authority and affirmation.
    The good news is that God the Father never fails where earthly fathers do. Through Jesus Christ, we see perfect fatherhood. The Father disciplines those He loves (Heb. 12:6), yet He also declares over His Son, "This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased" (Matt. 3:17).
    Because Christ died for sinful fathers and rose again, fathers can be transformed by grace to reflect both the authority and affection of God in the home.
    Paul shows us how in Ephesians 6:4.

    God calls fathers to reflect His character by exercising loving authority and gospel-shaped affirmation that nurtures children toward Christlike maturity.

    Paul addresses both parents in our text. Even though the command is directed specifically to fathers, it can be interpreted in a broader sense to include mothers as well. So, this is as much about biblical parenting as it is a call on fathers to uphold the Christ-honoring tension of authority and affirmation.
    In Paul's world, however, fathers possessed nearly unlimited authority within the home. So, although it is wise to keep both parents in mind, this morning we lean toward our fathers to exercise their rightful headship in the home. Let’s begin with a call.

    I. Reject Authority That Discourages Your Children: “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger”

    Paul begins with a negative command: “do not provoke your children to anger.” Notice, how Paul immediately places limits upon dads authority. The verb παροργίζετε is a present imperative, which in Greek grammar denotes a habitual action. The admonishment is not warning against a single moment of anger here and there. Paul is targeting a pattern, a style of fathering that repeatedly, characteristically exasperates the children in his care. The negative present tense says: do not keep doing this. Do not make it your mode of operation. Do not make a habit of provoking your children to anger.
    A short study of this word reveals it denotes the exasperation produced by arbitrary, capricious, or unsympathetic rule. The child feels the frustration of unreasonable commands, of assumed wrong doing without cause, of discipline wielded as a weapon of anger rather than as a tool of correction. It includes undue partiality, favoritism, and the kind of harsh treatment that causes a child to develop a settled resentment. Keep in mind, Paul is not forbidding discipline. He is forbidding sinful authority that crushes the spirit of a child.
    Someone once said,
    A child’s back must be made to bend, but not be broken. He must be ruled, but not with a rod of iron. His spirit must be conquered, but not crushed.
    Anonymous

    How does a father provoke his child to anger?

    There are a myriad of ways to exasperate your children. For the sake of time I will mention a few here that I have struggled with as a father.

    Discipline inconsistently

    Good discipline is consistent, controlled, and intentional. It serves a kingdom purpose: to cultivate God-honoring humility that receives correction (Proverbs 12:1; Hebrews 12:11), to drive foolishness from the heart (Proverbs 22:15), to establish the fear of the Lord (Proverbs 1:7; 9:10), and to point a child to the hope of the gospel (Galatians 3:24).
    Biblical discipline should be predictable rather than erratic, measured rather than explosive, and motivated by love rather than frustration.
    The Lord Himself disciplines His children this way: “For the Lord disciplines the one He loves” (Hebrews 12:6), and His discipline always aims at our holiness and good (Hebrews 12:10).
    A father exasperates his children when his discipline is governed by his emotions instead of God's wisdom. One day he erupts in anger over a minor inconvenience; the next day he ignores egregious sin. He disciplines because he is embarrassed, interrupted, or annoyed rather than because he desires his child's spiritual growth. His children never know what will trigger his anger or what standards will be enforced. Such inconsistency breeds confusion, resentment, and discouragement.
    Scripture warns fathers against this very danger: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” Paul says in Colossians 3:21. Likewise, believers are commanded, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20). Instead of learning the heavenly Father's loving correction, children learn to fear the instability of their earthly father.
    Fathers, your children should never have to wonder whether they are being disciplined because they sinned or because dad had a bad day. Godly authority is steady, purposeful, and rooted in love. Just as our Heavenly Father is “the same yesterday and today and forever” (Hebrews 13:8), earthly fathers should strive for consistency that reflects His faithful character. When discipline is governed by wisdom, self-control, and love, children are more likely to receive correction as a gift of grace rather than an expression of rejection.
    Secondly, fathers provoke their children to anger when they…

    Correct constantly but encourage rarely

    When I coached basketball in Texas, I had a player whose father had been a standout athlete on a state championship-caliber team. Every game, I could hear dad on the sidelines, brow beating his son, constantly berating him for every mistake. After a missed shot or dropped pass, the boy would lower his head in shame. The more criticism he received, the more hesitant he became. The more hesitant he became, the more mistakes he made. His problem was no longer basketball. It was discouragement. His father's constant criticism was crushing his spirit. And when my son played basketball, I found myself doing the very same thing.
    Fathers who always see what is wrong in their children but rarely acknowledge what is right can unintentionally crush their child’s spirit. You have to understand, a father’s words carry tremendous power. Scripture teaches that “death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21). His voice is like a scalpel in the hands of a surgeon. Used wisely, it can remove the cancer of foolishness from a child’s heart (Proverbs 22:15). Used carelessly, it can wound deeply and sever vital spiritual arteries. A father’s encouragement can build houses and bridges of faith, courage, and obedience. His constant criticism can become a wrecking ball that tears down a child’s confidence, joy, and hope.
    The danger is not correction itself. Children need correction. “Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge” (Proverbs 12:1), and “faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6). The danger is when correction becomes the only language a child hears. When every conversation revolves around failure, mistakes, shortcomings, and disappointment, children begin to believe they can never please their father. They stop hearing instruction and start hearing rejection, which I believe leads to the Western phenomena of teenage rebellion.
    God the Father models a better way. While He lovingly corrects His children, He also affirms them. At Jesus' baptism the Father declared, “This is my beloved Son, with whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17). Throughout Scripture, God encourages His people with words of comfort, promise, and delight (Isaiah 41:10; Zephaniah 3:17). Earthly fathers should do the same. They should be quick to recognize obedience, growth, diligence, kindness, courage, and faith. A child who is regularly encouraged is often more willing to receive correction because he knows his father's discipline flows from love rather than disappointment.
    Fathers, ask yourself: Does my child hear more encouragement than criticism from me? Do my words primarily tear down or build up? Paul commands believers, “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up” (Ephesians 4:29). Your children need correction, but they also need affirmation. They need to hear, “I love you,” “I am proud of your effort,” “I see God working in your life,” and “Keep going.” Wise fathers use both authority and encouragement to shepherd their children toward Christ.
    Thirdly, fathers provoke their children to anger when they…

    Demand perfection Rather Than Faithfulness

    Fathers can exasperate their children by placing unreasonable expectations upon them. It is not uncommon for a father to demand more from his children than he himself is capable of giving.
    Sometimes this pursuit of perfection is rooted in fear. A father desperately wants his child to avoid the mistakes he made, so he places crushing expectations upon them. Other times it is rooted in pride and vicarious living. The father seeks to relive his own dreams, accomplishments, or missed opportunities through his children. Still other fathers think too highly of themselves. Lacking humility, they expect their children to live in the shadow of their perceived greatness and become frustrated when they fall short.
    The problem with all these approaches is that they demand perfection from broken people. Children are sinners living in a Genesis 3 world just like their fathers. They will fail. They will struggle. They will make mistakes.
    “A wise father understands that his calling is not to raise perfect children but to faithfully shepherd imperfect children toward a perfect Savior.”
    The gospel reminds us that our Heavenly Father does not place impossible demands upon His children without also providing the means to meet them. God requires perfection because He is holy (Matthew 5:48), yet He knew we could never attain that standard on our own (Romans 3:23). Therefore, He sent His perfect Son to accomplish what we could never accomplish. Christ took our sin upon Himself and gave us His righteousness in return (2 Corinthians 5:21). God met the very demands He made through the life, death, and resurrection of His Son, Jesus.
    What a glorious Father we have. He does not crush us beneath impossible expectations. He meets us in our weakness, provides grace for our failures, and patiently conforms us into the image of Christ. Fathers who understand the gospel will not demand perfection from their children. Instead, they will lovingly call them to faithfulness while continually pointing them to the perfect righteousness of Jesus.
    Fourth, fathers provoke their children to anger when they…

    Compare One Child to Another

    One of the easiest ways for a father to provoke his children is by comparing them to one another. We joke in our house about which child is the favorite depending on the day, but everyone knows Elias is the most beloved being the baby of the family.
    The reality is that Stacy and I deeply love each of our children. We are proud of them, grateful for them, and delight in sharing their lives with you all. But even in “healthy homes,” fathers must be careful. Comparison is often a subtle form of favoritism, and favoritism breeds jealousy.
    When a father continually measures one child against another, he communicates that love, approval, and acceptance must be earned through performance. One child becomes the standard while the others are left feeling inadequate. Instead of celebrating God's unique work in each child, comparison turns siblings into competitors. It creates resentment where there should be affection and rivalry where there should be unity.
    Perhaps no story illustrates this danger more clearly than the story of Joseph. Jacob openly favored Joseph above his brothers, even giving him the coat of many colors as a visible symbol of his affection (Genesis 37:3–4). The result was devastating. Joseph's brothers became so consumed with jealousy that they first plotted to kill him and eventually sold him into slavery. Then they deceived their father into believing Joseph was dead. Think of the years of grief Jacob endured, mourning a son he thought he had lost forever. Later, when the truth was revealed, he not only discovered Joseph was alive but also had to reckon with the treachery and bitterness that had grown in the hearts of his sons. Favoritism had poisoned the family.
    Fathers, God did not create your children to be copies of one another. Each child bears God's image uniquely and possesses different gifts, personalities, strengths, and weaknesses (Psalm 139:13–16). Your calling is not to compare them but to shepherd them. Celebrate the grace of God wherever you see it. Encourage each child according to how God has made them. Comparison says, "Why can't you be like your brother?" Wisdom says, "I thank God for who He made you to be." Children flourish when they know their father's love is not measured against a sibling's performance but is rooted in faithful, Christlike affection.
    Finally, fathers provoke their children to anger when they…

    Use shame rather than instruction

    Shame can be a teacher. Healthy shame is the God-given conviction that awakens the conscience to the seriousness of sin. It produces godly grief that leads to repentance, reconciliation, and restoration (2 Corinthians 7:10). In that sense, all of us, including our children, need the kind of shame that exposes sin and drives us to the mercy of Christ.
    But there is an unhealthy shame that fathers (and mothers) can wield like a weapon. Instead of addressing sinful behavior, unhealthy shame attacks the worth and identity of the child. It uses guilt, humiliation, and embarrassment to coerce obedience and secure affection. Rather than leading a child to act from the overflow of being loved, it burdens his soul to perform out of fear, insecurity, and a sense of inadequacy. The message the child receives, "You should be ashamed of who you are," rather than, "What you did was wrong, but Christ offers forgiveness and grace."
    As a father of five children, I have learned this lesson the hard way. Shaming a child will often get immediate results. It may secure outward compliance. It may stop the behavior for a moment. But it comes at a cost. It can wound your child’s heart, damage their trust, and create distance in your relationship. Unhealthy guilt and shame only takes a father so far because they alone cannot transform the soul.
    The Lord ways are better for you. He instructs, corrects, encourages, and calls us to repentance through His Word. Paul tells us that fathers are to bring up their children in the "discipline and instruction of the Lord" (Ephesians 6:4). Spirit-empowered, Christ-exalting, Bible-saturated instruction cultivates something far deeper than mere compliance. It nurtures joyful obedience. It teaches children not just what to do, but why they should do it. It forms hearts that desire to honor Christ because they know they are loved by Him because their earthly father has loved them through his love for Jesus.
    Fathers, when your children sin, do not use shame to make them feel bad because you are disappointed. Lead them to Jesus. Show them the seriousness of their sin, but also show them the sufficiency of their Savior. I don’t believe anyone parent wants to raise children who are ashamed of themselves; so be careful. Raise your children to be humble before God, confident in His grace, and eager to walk in faithful obedience.
    Fathers, I want to leave you with this…

    When Fathers Fail, Grace Prevails

    As we work through this list, perhaps some of us are feeling the weight of conviction. Maybe you see yourself in one or more of these examples. Perhaps you have disciplined inconsistently, criticized too often, demanded perfection, compared your children, or used shame rather than instruction. Maybe you’ve been passive, physically present but actively distant. Maybe you’ve refused to confront sinful habits or have adopted too much of a secular worldview of parenting. If so, welcome to the club. Every father in this room has failed in some way.
    But do not leave here this morning overwhelmed by guilt. Let conviction lead you to repentance, not despair. If the Holy Spirit has put His finger on an area of weakness in your parenting, then do something about it. Go home and have the hard conversation. Ask your children for forgiveness. Tell them where you have failed. Pray with them. Let them see what humility and repentance look like in a father. One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is not the example of genuine faith and repentance. Aside from I love you, the next three most powerful words are I am sorry.

    How do fathers faithfully shepherd their children toward Christ?

    Paul answers: “Bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

    Come back next week to be encouraged and equipped to move away from provoking anger to parenting with life giving affirmation. Amen.

      • Ephesians 6:4ESV

      • Ephesians 6:4ESV

  • Christ Is Mine Forevermore
First Baptist Church Litchfield
pastorjason.fbcl@gmail.com
217-324-4232
http://www.firstbaptistlitchfield.org/
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