I am a majestic and awe inspiring figure with piercing eyes and a firm handshake. I am extremely punctual, often arriving at my destination before I have left. My organizational skills are unequaled and have been immortalized by folklore in America, operas in Italy, and crossword puzzles in Namibia.

I have served as the King of Swing, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, and the Grand Poobah of the Aristocratic Accordion Farmers League.

I am the inventor of the pickle, the goat, and the rhetorical question. I have been the tenth caller and won tickets to Supertramp. I can wear plaid and argyle without clashing.

I can build full sized, functioning bridges and buildings out of Tinker Toys. I can perform open-heart surgery using only an umbrella, a potato, and a back issue of Cosmopolitan. I can play the complete works of Engelbert Humperdinck on the electric bassoon. In six keys. My Etch-A-Sketch drawings are hung in the Louvre.

My innovative and revolutionary uses of punctuation have ushered in a new era of world peace. My ability to perform the Vulcan Mind Meld allows me to relate with people as no one else can. I exist in six dimensions.

I am cost efficient, environmentally friendly, and low in calories. I contain 10 essential vitamins and minerals and am a part of this complete breakfast. I may have already won a million dollars.

I am a Grandmaster level thumb wrestler, the reigning World Champion Pong player, and a Gold Medalist in Go Fish. I am both the Unstoppable Force and the Immovable Object. I am tall for my size.

I know how many angels can dance on the head of a pin, how many roads a man must walk down before you can call him a man, and the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.