How To Set Up Your Child For Success (Ephesians 6:14)
The first three chapters of Ephesians 1-3 teach believers how our relationship with Jesus gives us new life, and a privileged, new identity and glorious future. Paul follows up in Ephesians 4-6 with challenging words, calling us to act on these truths, actions that require trust and reliance on Jesus.
One of those challenging words is submission, which is always a hard word.
Western society particularly abhors submission, promotes defiance over submission: Destroy the patriarchy, Blow up the family, Disobey your parents, Hate the police.
Paul tells us truly remarkable facts about God’s grace and the changes Jesus makes to our standing in this world, our identity and our future. He follows up in Ephesians 4-6 with very challenging words, calling us to act on these truths, actions that require trust and and reliance on God.
One of those hard words is submission, which is always a hard word.
Western society particularly abhors submission, promotes defiance over submission: Destroy the patriarchy, Blow up the family, Disobey your parents, Hate the police.
As you read God’s Word, watch Jesus, and value God’s order for relationships—a heart that chooses to submit is a valuable treasure, a priceless virtue.
In Ephesians 5:15 and following, submission is essential to wise living, godliness, and to being filled with the Spirit.
Submission is a choice of the heart to honor the person God set in authority over you.
Submitting in faith outwardly reflects our inner-disposition to God.
In Ephesians 6:1-4, God speaks to children and parents. How can parents set their child up for success, and help our children to live wise and godly lives?
Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 [Then Paul quotes the fifth of the 10 Commandments]“Honor your father and mother,” which is the FIRST commandment with a PROMISE, 3 “So that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Children obey your parents. Children, honor your father and mother. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.
Yet many radically oppose God’s design for the family. They'd argue parents have no right to discipline your children. They insist that you're not to teach your children what to believe about God, let them figure it out; nor should you ever require your children to obey you. That's arrogant and abusive.
But the world is godless and as foolish and immature as an angry adolescent.
As followers of Jesus, we are to train and empower our children to live wise and godly lives. And fostering in them a heart that can submit is essential to this. So when God tells children to obey their parents, parents, it is implied that you require your child’s obedience.
If you need persuading, here are three reasons to teach and require your children to obey you.
The first reason is because this is right. (V1)
Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
This is morally right. This is how God designed the family. So mom and dads, it is right for you to require and to help your child to obey you.
God delegates authority to parents, for your child's sake; authority is always given for the sake of those under our authority! And God tells your children to honor and obey you. This is a way they can honor and obey God, by choosing to obey you.
Do your children know that?
Society would have us believe it wiser to teach our children to resist authority. But Christian parents bless your children with wisdom and grace by teaching that God delegates authority to certain roles—civil leaders, police, husbands, parents. That's a good foundation for them.
Why should parents teach and even require their children to obey them?
Second, because this pleases God.
Colossians 3:20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. [I.e., a submissive heart brings God joy.]
Parents, help your children to obey you from the heart, for this pleases God.
Why does it please God?
It pleases God because a submissive heart is receptive to love; it is willing to walk with God, learn from Him, follow Him, be instructed, protected. A submissive heart is actually better protected, able to love. A child’s submissive spirit lets mom and dad love, protect, bless them. It also makes it easier to parent, more enjoyable and rewarding. This pleases God.
We mention this a lot, but without humility we will never choose to submit. Without submission, kids won’t obey God or their parents, not from the heart.
Why should parents teach their children to obey them?
Third, because this is best for your child's life! (V2-3)
Paul ties this command to the fifth of the Ten Commandments; look closely,
Ephesians 6:2 [God told the people of Israel] “Honor your father and mother” which is the first commandment with a promise, [Exodus 20:12] 3 “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”
This was a promise of God to Israel. Christians are not under that covenant or that guarantee, but the principle remains! If you want your children to grow up wise, enjoy a sweeter relationship with you, avoid foolish mistakes, even prison—teach and nurture them to honor their parents, and God's authority.
Too many kids are dying for resisting authority.
When they’re pulled over…
It wasn’t long ago the police were called to the scene where an inner-city adolescent was outside pointing a gun at people. The police told him several times to put the gun down. He refused. He then pointed the gun at the officers. He was shot in self-defense. Only afterward did they discover that it was a toy gun. What if his parents taught him to honor and respect authority?
God wants our children to have hearts that submit to Him, to their parents, to authority so that it may go well for them. That your children may live long and prosper.
Especially when they are young, parents, nurture this. Earn their trust, teach this, and require this of them.
Next, God speaks specifically to dads. He gives us three ways to set up our kids for success.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
This is the OPPOSITE of not disciplining your children. It is the opposite of not teaching them clear truths about God. It’s the opposite of not interfering, of letting them “discover their own truths” and “find their own way.” Again the culture is wrong about this.
How can parents, father’s specifically, set up your children for success?
1. First, watch their heart.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…
Dads, watch your own heart, and watch your son’s heart, your daughter's heart. Do not provoke them to anger. Notice here, their anger is partly on us.
Our anger provokes them to anger. Our impatience. Our demands. It’s easy for us to ignore their heart and focus on their behavior. God says, “Watch their hearts; be sure that they know you love them."
So we need the Lord big time. However hard our own childhood and our own father's passing their mess down to us. We have a Father in heaven who loves us and gets us and gives us His identity and His love.
And dads, as much as your son or daughter act disrespectfully or rebelliously, deep inside they want to honor you. They want your approval, your respect, your love. They want you to be proud. They want to do right. This is in them.
Understand too, behind a child’s rebellion are often questions like—“Do you love me? Do you like me? How important am I to you? Do you approve of me?"
And IF they don’t get those answers, if they doubt your love, all they hear are rules, criticism, judgment, which hurts their heart! And a wounded, insecure, and unloved heart is more easily provoked to sin, anger, and rebellion.
As Christians we know better than anyone else that children do not have the power to obey. It’s hard for us, and it’s hard for them. Willpower only goes so far. They need God’s help, and yours. That’s the essence of the Gospel, right, the help we need must come from outside.
Rather than tell them to shape up, act right, behave, and watch to see if they do; may we earn their trust, so we can help them mature, and live free.
It's not our goal to ensure good behavior but to foster a submissive heart.
But what fosters a submissive heart in our child?
Well, what does it take for YOU to submit to God? A relationship in which you know Him, see His authority, His love, His goodness. A relationship where you trust Him, you feel safe in Him, and you want to honor Him.
And it’s the same in our relationship with our children.
Parents its important that you earn their trust. Your child needs to trust you emotionally. Are you reasonable, fair, safe? And to trust your wisdom, you’re not speaking out of wounds and prejudices but out of truth, wisdom. They’ll have their days, their moods, a hundred other things are going on in their life. But if they trust you and your love, they’re more prone to submit to you.
How else can you help set your children up for success,
2. Bring them up in the discipline of the Lord
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [watch, protect their hearts], but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline your children, instruct them in the Lord—that’s the command! Be careful with their hearts—that’s the warning.
Don’t provoke them to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline is a difficult topic for parents today. Spanking provokes negative emotions in our culture. But if we trust and listen to God, it’s a love word.
Revelation 3:19 [Jesus said] Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline.
Proverbs 13:24He who withholds the rod [spanking] hates his son,but he who loves [his child] disciplines him diligently.
Our culture protests, this is hateful, evil. God says just the opposite. Dads, moms, God instructs believing parents to love your kids as God loves you,
Hebrews 12:7 … God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 10 ... He disciplines us for our good so that we may share His holiness. 11 All discipline at the time seems sorrowful not joyful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
The professionals” insist God is wrong on this, spanking is reprehensible. We know better—and you may agree. But God disagrees.
Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
It must be controlled and measured! Never spank for an accident or silliness. Only when your child is defiant, willfully disobedient. God is wise and clear,
Proverbs 23:13 Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. 14 You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.
Proverbs 13:24 He who withholds the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
Contrary to popular consent—parents, help to foster a humble, submissive heart in your child. Require and help them to obey you.
Dads, watch their hearts, but discipline their defiance for their sake, for their longterm good, their walk with God, and their future relationships.
Discipline should be the norm. It is an act of love.
But our Lord is also patient, long-suffering, slow to anger. So not every act of disobedience must be punished.
There are no hard-fast rules for when, but especially if they are provoked to anger, grace may allow a tirade and absorb their rage, like God to us.
Sometimes, dads, let them fire off their complaints, let them exhaust their fury, let your ticked off son or daughter get it all out without stopping them.
Sometimes let them win.
And listen to them very carefully, listen to their hearts. After they finish, perhaps fearing what happens next, agree where they are right.
Apologize where you are wrong. Use this to affirm your love, particularly for your angry, grieving child. Tell him how proud you are of him, even right now, as an act of love. As God does with us.
This is the love given the Prodigal Son. Before he could promise to act better next time, “I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean it,” dad set the family ring on his finger and kicked off the party celebrating the new intimacy of their relation.
It’s easier to be passive or to be quick to anger. But, what does she need this moment? What is best for him, grace, instruction, discipline? Not what is easier or nicer, but what’s best to prepare him or her to live wisely, godly.
Finally, how else can parents set up their children for a successful life?
3. Raise them in the instruction of the Lord
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and INSTRUCTION of the Lord.
They need to be taught and shown what to do and what not to do.
Parents, give them a foundation in Christ. Share the gospel. Teach them about God’s character, His goodness and love. Tell them God’s commands, God's promises, teach them of God’s grace.
Pray with them. Tell them why they can trust Him, tell them why you trust Him. And show them how it looks.
As fast as they grow up, try to stay ahead of the game. So keep learning for their sake. Before they start dating, prepare them for godly dating and a godly marriage. But start young because the world grooms them very young.
Parenting is hard! Paul’s statement, “I am not doing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate," could be said by every parent frustrated trying to get their kids out of bed for school, to eat something they don’t like, or to share a toy with their sibling. Parenting is hard, and excellent parenting is impossible. We need Jesus for this. They need Him too. And they need you.
How To Set Up Your Child For Success (Ephesians 6:14)
The first three chapters of Ephesians 1-3 teach believers how our relationship with Jesus gives us new life, and a privileged, new identity and glorious future. Paul follows up in Ephesians 4-6 with challenging words, calling us to act on these truths, actions that require trust and reliance on Jesus.
One of those challenging words is submission, which is always a hard word.
Western society particularly abhors submission, promotes defiance over submission: Destroy the patriarchy, Blow up the family, Disobey your parents, Hate the police.
Paul tells us truly remarkable facts about God’s grace and the changes Jesus makes to our standing in this world, our identity and our future. He follows up in Ephesians 4-6 with very challenging words, calling us to act on these truths, actions that require trust and and reliance on God.
One of those hard words is submission, which is always a hard word.
Western society particularly abhors submission, promotes defiance over submission: Destroy the patriarchy, Blow up the family, Disobey your parents, Hate the police.
As you read God’s Word, watch Jesus, and value God’s order for relationships—a heart that chooses to submit is a valuable treasure, a priceless virtue.
In Ephesians 5:15 and following, submission is essential to wise living, godliness, and to being filled with the Spirit.
Submission is a choice of the heart to honor the person God set in authority over you.
Submitting in faith outwardly reflects our inner-disposition to God.
In Ephesians 6:1-4, God speaks to children and parents. How can parents set their child up for success, and help our children to live wise and godly lives?
Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 [Then Paul quotes the fifth of the 10 Commandments] “Honor your father and mother,” which is the FIRST commandment with a PROMISE, 3 “So that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Children obey your parents. Children, honor your father and mother. It doesn’t get much clearer than that.
Yet many radically oppose God’s design for the family. They'd argue parents have no right to discipline your children. They insist that you're not to teach your children what to believe about God, let them figure it out; nor should you ever require your children to obey you. That's arrogant and abusive.
But the world is godless and as foolish and immature as an angry adolescent.
As followers of Jesus, we are to train and empower our children to live wise and godly lives. And fostering in them a heart that can submit is essential to this. So when God tells children to obey their parents, parents, it is implied that you require your child’s obedience.
If you need persuading, here are three reasons to teach and require your children to obey you.
The first reason is because this is right. (V1)
Ephesians 6:1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.
This is morally right. This is how God designed the family. So mom and dads, it is right for you to require and to help your child to obey you.
God delegates authority to parents, for your child's sake; authority is always given for the sake of those under our authority! And God tells your children to honor and obey you. This is a way they can honor and obey God, by choosing to obey you.
Do your children know that?
Society would have us believe it wiser to teach our children to resist authority. But Christian parents bless your children with wisdom and grace by teaching that God delegates authority to certain roles—civil leaders, police, husbands, parents. That's a good foundation for them.
Why should parents teach and even require their children to obey them?
Second, because this pleases God.
Colossians 3:20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. [I.e., a submissive heart brings God joy.]
Parents, help your children to obey you from the heart, for this pleases God.
Why does it please God?
It pleases God because a submissive heart is receptive to love; it is willing to walk with God, learn from Him, follow Him, be instructed, protected. A submissive heart is actually better protected, able to love. A child’s submissive spirit lets mom and dad love, protect, bless them. It also makes it easier to parent, more enjoyable and rewarding. This pleases God.
We mention this a lot, but without humility we will never choose to submit. Without submission, kids won’t obey God or their parents, not from the heart.
Why should parents teach their children to obey them?
Third, because this is best for your child's life! (V2-3)
Paul ties this command to the fifth of the Ten Commandments; look closely,
Ephesians 6:2 [God told the people of Israel] “Honor your father and mother” which is the first commandment with a promise, [Exodus 20:12] 3 “so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”
This was a promise of God to Israel. Christians are not under that covenant or that guarantee, but the principle remains! If you want your children to grow up wise, enjoy a sweeter relationship with you, avoid foolish mistakes, even prison—teach and nurture them to honor their parents, and God's authority.
Too many kids are dying for resisting authority.
When they’re pulled over…
It wasn’t long ago the police were called to the scene where an inner-city adolescent was outside pointing a gun at people. The police told him several times to put the gun down. He refused. He then pointed the gun at the officers. He was shot in self-defense. Only afterward did they discover that it was a toy gun. What if his parents taught him to honor and respect authority?
God wants our children to have hearts that submit to Him, to their parents, to authority so that it may go well for them. That your children may live long and prosper.
Especially when they are young, parents, nurture this. Earn their trust, teach this, and require this of them.
Next, God speaks specifically to dads. He gives us three ways to set up our kids for success.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
This is the OPPOSITE of not disciplining your children. It is the opposite of not teaching them clear truths about God. It’s the opposite of not interfering, of letting them “discover their own truths” and “find their own way.” Again the culture is wrong about this.
How can parents, father’s specifically, set up your children for success?
1. First, watch their heart.
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger…
Dads, watch your own heart, and watch your son’s heart, your daughter's heart. Do not provoke them to anger. Notice here, their anger is partly on us.
Our anger provokes them to anger. Our impatience. Our demands. It’s easy for us to ignore their heart and focus on their behavior. God says, “Watch their hearts; be sure that they know you love them."
So we need the Lord big time. However hard our own childhood and our own father's passing their mess down to us. We have a Father in heaven who loves us and gets us and gives us His identity and His love.
And dads, as much as your son or daughter act disrespectfully or rebelliously, deep inside they want to honor you. They want your approval, your respect, your love. They want you to be proud. They want to do right. This is in them.
Understand too, behind a child’s rebellion are often questions like—“Do you love me? Do you like me? How important am I to you? Do you approve of me?"
And IF they don’t get those answers, if they doubt your love, all they hear are rules, criticism, judgment, which hurts their heart! And a wounded, insecure, and unloved heart is more easily provoked to sin, anger, and rebellion.
As Christians we know better than anyone else that children do not have the power to obey. It’s hard for us, and it’s hard for them. Willpower only goes so far. They need God’s help, and yours. That’s the essence of the Gospel, right, the help we need must come from outside.
Rather than tell them to shape up, act right, behave, and watch to see if they do; may we earn their trust, so we can help them mature, and live free.
It's not our goal to ensure good behavior but to foster a submissive heart.
But what fosters a submissive heart in our child?
Well, what does it take for YOU to submit to God? A relationship in which you know Him, see His authority, His love, His goodness. A relationship where you trust Him, you feel safe in Him, and you want to honor Him.
And it’s the same in our relationship with our children.
Parents its important that you earn their trust. Your child needs to trust you emotionally. Are you reasonable, fair, safe? And to trust your wisdom, you’re not speaking out of wounds and prejudices but out of truth, wisdom. They’ll have their days, their moods, a hundred other things are going on in their life. But if they trust you and your love, they’re more prone to submit to you.
How else can you help set your children up for success,
2. Bring them up in the discipline of the Lord
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger [watch, protect their hearts], but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline your children, instruct them in the Lord—that’s the command! Be careful with their hearts—that’s the warning.
Don’t provoke them to anger but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Discipline is a difficult topic for parents today. Spanking provokes negative emotions in our culture. But if we trust and listen to God, it’s a love word.
Revelation 3:19 [Jesus said] Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline.
Proverbs 13:24 He who withholds the rod [spanking] hates his son, but he who loves [his child] disciplines him diligently.
Our culture protests, this is hateful, evil. God says just the opposite. Dads, moms, God instructs believing parents to love your kids as God loves you,
Hebrews 12:7 … God deals with you as with sons; for what son is there whom his father does not discipline? 10 ... He disciplines us for our good so that we may share His holiness. 11 All discipline at the time seems sorrowful not joyful; yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
The professionals” insist God is wrong on this, spanking is reprehensible. We know better—and you may agree. But God disagrees.
Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; the rod of discipline will remove it far from him.
It must be controlled and measured! Never spank for an accident or silliness. Only when your child is defiant, willfully disobedient. God is wise and clear,
Proverbs 23:13 Do not hold back discipline from the child, although you strike him with the rod, he will not die. 14 You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol.
Proverbs 13:24 He who withholds the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
Contrary to popular consent—parents, help to foster a humble, submissive heart in your child. Require and help them to obey you.
Dads, watch their hearts, but discipline their defiance for their sake, for their longterm good, their walk with God, and their future relationships.
Discipline should be the norm. It is an act of love.
But our Lord is also patient, long-suffering, slow to anger. So not every act of disobedience must be punished.
There are no hard-fast rules for when, but especially if they are provoked to anger, grace may allow a tirade and absorb their rage, like God to us.
Sometimes, dads, let them fire off their complaints, let them exhaust their fury, let your ticked off son or daughter get it all out without stopping them.
Sometimes let them win.
And listen to them very carefully, listen to their hearts. After they finish, perhaps fearing what happens next, agree where they are right.
Apologize where you are wrong. Use this to affirm your love, particularly for your angry, grieving child. Tell him how proud you are of him, even right now, as an act of love. As God does with us.
This is the love given the Prodigal Son. Before he could promise to act better next time, “I’m sorry I said that, I didn’t mean it,” dad set the family ring on his finger and kicked off the party celebrating the new intimacy of their relation.
It’s easier to be passive or to be quick to anger. But, what does she need this moment? What is best for him, grace, instruction, discipline? Not what is easier or nicer, but what’s best to prepare him or her to live wisely, godly.
Finally, how else can parents set up their children for a successful life?
3. Raise them in the instruction of the Lord
Ephesians 6:4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and INSTRUCTION of the Lord.
They need to be taught and shown what to do and what not to do.
Parents, give them a foundation in Christ. Share the gospel. Teach them about God’s character, His goodness and love. Tell them God’s commands, God's promises, teach them of God’s grace.
Pray with them. Tell them why they can trust Him, tell them why you trust Him. And show them how it looks.
As fast as they grow up, try to stay ahead of the game. So keep learning for their sake. Before they start dating, prepare them for godly dating and a godly marriage. But start young because the world grooms them very young.
Parenting is hard! Paul’s statement, “I am not doing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate," could be said by every parent frustrated trying to get their kids out of bed for school, to eat something they don’t like, or to share a toy with their sibling. Parenting is hard, and excellent parenting is impossible. We need Jesus for this. They need Him too. And they need you.