A Seven-part Letter of Encouragement to Christian Military Couples—Letter Two
Once again the letter carrier’s weary little truck threaded itself through the maze of Monday’s empty trash and recycle bins and halted at the mailbox of our salty septuagenarian Navy shrink and his beloved wife. Down goes the handle on his recliner, and he shuffles out to claim his daily dose of “correspondence” from those persistent businesses and politicians in love with direct mail advertising. His curiosity peaked this month because it is the month of his birthday, and there is always the odd chance of finding a Hallmark card from a loved one mixed in with the usual odd-sized entreaties. Yes, we know; a text with a series of emojis or stickers seems to have become the new birthday greeting, but one always holds out hope for something more tangible that can be set on a table or shelf and looked at for a few weeks. Today he finds only bills and junk mail in the box.
As he returns to the recliner, his addiction to checking emails from some of the same direct mail agents kicks in (as they well know it will) and Voila! On Military.com there is an offer for free cruise tickets for veterans and military folks. We may lose some readers at this point because apparently there really is a cruise line sailing out of Palm Beach, Florida, to Freeport on Grand Bahama Island that is offering free passage on three-day, two night trips. The ship has been recently renamed Margaritaville at Sea. Obviously this is aimed at Jimmy Buffet fans.
What a Providential coincidence because (if you are still with us) we were planning on discussing in this letter the three “tickets” that we believe from our professional and personal experience need to be “punched” (i.e., acquired) for a couple to have a chance at charting a good marriage. These “tickets” for a good marriage are definitely NOT free. They have to be earned through self-discipline and commitment to values and virtues probably not promoted strongly on the Margaritaville at Sea! Let’s dig into what they are. They include safety, emotional availability, and trust. If you look at these three qualities and know you have all three without reading further, we ask that you stay with us. You may have a friend or family member, now or in the future, who may need one or more of these tickets, and this information can be valuable in helping them. Here is what we mean in more detail:
Emotional and physical safety. If either member of a couple does not feel safe, that must be addressed and fixed. Depending on the level of concern, various domestic violence protocols need to be put in place and verified that they are working before anyone ought to be encouraged to do the vulnerable work of sharing their innermost needs and feelings which is essential for a good marriage. Family advocacy programs have existed for decades in the military. We used to be members of our base’s domestic violence treatment committee. Sometimes a couple needed to have a period of separation if the abuse was physical and instrumental (i.e., used as a tactic for power).
If on the other hand, the violence was more accurately characterized as arguments that got out of hand and were (1) mutually regretted. (2) minor in physical impact/injury, and (3) not yet a pattern or habit, we found that a couples course that taught anger control, time out techniques, communication skills, clarification of family roles, and total unacceptability (and moral wrongness) of violence in relationships, could be effective in reducing or eliminating violent arguments. For three years we co-taught a domestic conflict containment class at our base. Our convictions in this area are strong ones.
Freedom from addiction. If there is an addiction at play in the couple by either or both members, then the “drug of choice” will be the primary object of their relationships, not the spouse. The drug of choice can be behavioral as well as chemical. Examples include such behavior as pornography or gambling. Addiction protocols will need to be started and developed with some period of “sobriety” established before more intimate work can proceed. 12-step programs are deemed essential in this area even if there is a strong Christian affiliation with a church. The disease phenomenon of addiction certainly has a spiritual component that faith and church can be critical in addressing but nothing takes the place of the ready availability of seasoned recovering addicts regularly helping one another through the ”stinking thinking” that torments the addict and his or her family experience. Alanon and its equivalents are rich resources for family members of addicts and ought to be utilized regardless of the involvement or progress of the addict in his or her program of recovery. Anne was clinical director of two Navy alcohol rehab services in naval hospitals. Herschel completed two navy hospital trainings in the treatment of alcoholism and was a co-therapist in the couples group for Anne’s program at her second posting. This is reliable advice.
Absence of a third-party relationship. Even if an affair has not blossomed fully yet, the emotional energy that a third close relationship skims off leaves little energy to invest in meaningful relationship work as well as causing damage to trust and robbing a couple of the prerequisite need to feel unique and special to one another. If a couple is dealing with this situation, the relationship with the third party must end before meaningful improvement in the marital relationship can occur, or if contact cannot be eliminated due to work realities or other necessary affiliations, clear messages of a change in the nature of the relationship with that third person must be firmly given and lived out. No secrets. The secrets have as much deleterious impact on a marriage as the third relationship itself. If an affair is revealed it is important to know that recovery from affairs are possible, but professional counseling is certainly recommended. Trust takes a lot of time to recover once lost. But where there is true sincerity and remorse, confession and repentance preferably guided by a professional counselor with that training, love and trust can bloom again. However, if there has been a sexual addiction and sexual trauma involved in the betrayal, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a valuable and essential
resource. Herschel’s sister is a certified APSATS partner coach, so we have good data in this area, too.
There, those are the three tickets we believe are essential for a couple to have a chance at a good marriage regardless of their faith profession, but certainly for a Christian marriage: safety, emotional availability, and trust. With these in hand, you can board the good ship “Marriage of the Sea” and begin your navigation. Next month we will begin our discussion of the five practical areas for implementing the Christian truths about love and commitment. Those were, if you remember: (1) becoming more Christlike as a married person, (2) resolving the fundamental balance of power in the marriage, (3) risking emotional vulnerability, (4) resolving daily conflicts, and (5) enjoying the romance and passion of marriage.
So, we’ll pass on the “Margaritaville of the Sea” offer. They’re probably counting on getting their fares from onboard gambling anyway. That old recliner sounds like a better deal especially since the one next to it has a Lands End model sitting in it!
Dr. Herschel Hughes, Jr., CDR, MSC, USNR (Ret.) and Dr. Anne S. Hughes, LCDR, USNR (Ret.) are CMF Local Reps who are engaged in CMF’s Marriage & Family and Combat Trauma Ministries. During different seasons of the year, they are able to adopt a vagabond lifestyle with their RV and enjoy traveling to different military ministry posts while continuing their own Bible teaching and ministry via video conference.
Charting a Course For Christian Marriage
A Seven-part Letter of Encouragement to Christian Military Couples—Letter Two
Once again the letter carrier’s weary little truck threaded itself through the maze of Monday’s empty trash and recycle bins and halted at the mailbox of our salty septuagenarian Navy shrink and his beloved wife. Down goes the handle on his recliner, and he shuffles out to claim his daily dose of “correspondence” from those persistent businesses and politicians in love with direct mail advertising. His curiosity peaked this month because it is the month of his birthday, and there is always the odd chance of finding a Hallmark card from a loved one mixed in with the usual odd-sized entreaties. Yes, we know; a text with a series of emojis or stickers seems to have become the new birthday greeting, but one always holds out hope for something more tangible that can be set on a table or shelf and looked at for a few weeks. Today he finds only bills and junk mail in the box.
As he returns to the recliner, his addiction to checking emails from some of the same direct mail agents kicks in (as they well know it will) and Voila! On Military.com there is an offer for free cruise tickets for veterans and military folks. We may lose some readers at this point because apparently there really is a cruise line sailing out of Palm Beach, Florida, to Freeport on Grand Bahama Island that is offering free passage on three-day, two night trips. The ship has been recently renamed Margaritaville at Sea. Obviously this is aimed at Jimmy Buffet fans.
What a Providential coincidence because (if you are still with us) we were planning on discussing in this letter the three “tickets” that we believe from our professional and personal experience need to be “punched” (i.e., acquired) for a couple to have a chance at charting a good marriage. These “tickets” for a good marriage are definitely NOT free. They have to be earned through self-discipline and commitment to values and virtues probably not promoted strongly on the Margaritaville at Sea! Let’s dig into what they are. They include safety, emotional availability, and trust. If you look at these three qualities and know you have all three without reading further, we ask that you stay with us. You may have a friend or family member, now or in the future, who may need one or more of these tickets, and this information can be valuable in helping them. Here is what we mean in more detail:
Emotional and physical safety. If either member of a couple does not feel safe, that must be addressed and fixed. Depending on the level of concern, various domestic violence protocols need to be put in place and verified that they are working before anyone ought to be encouraged to do the vulnerable work of sharing their innermost needs and feelings which is essential for a good marriage. Family advocacy programs have existed for decades in the military. We used to be members of our base’s domestic violence treatment committee. Sometimes a couple needed to have a period of separation if the abuse was physical and instrumental (i.e., used as a tactic for power).
If on the other hand, the violence was more accurately characterized as arguments that got out of hand and were (1) mutually regretted. (2) minor in physical impact/injury, and (3) not yet a pattern or habit, we found that a couples course that taught anger control, time out techniques, communication skills, clarification of family roles, and total unacceptability (and moral wrongness) of violence in relationships, could be effective in reducing or eliminating violent arguments. For three years we co-taught a domestic conflict containment class at our base. Our convictions in this area are strong ones.
Freedom from addiction. If there is an addiction at play in the couple by either or both members, then the “drug of choice” will be the primary object of their relationships, not the spouse. The drug of choice can be behavioral as well as chemical. Examples include such behavior as pornography or gambling. Addiction protocols will need to be started and developed with some period of “sobriety” established before more intimate work can proceed. 12-step programs are deemed essential in this area even if there is a strong Christian affiliation with a church. The disease phenomenon of addiction certainly has a spiritual component that faith and church can be critical in addressing but nothing takes the place of the ready availability of seasoned recovering addicts regularly helping one another through the ”stinking thinking” that torments the addict and his or her family experience. Alanon and its equivalents are rich resources for family members of addicts and ought to be utilized regardless of the involvement or progress of the addict in his or her program of recovery. Anne was clinical director of two Navy alcohol rehab services in naval hospitals. Herschel completed two navy hospital trainings in the treatment of alcoholism and was a co-therapist in the couples group for Anne’s program at her second posting. This is reliable advice.
Absence of a third-party relationship. Even if an affair has not blossomed fully yet, the emotional energy that a third close relationship skims off leaves little energy to invest in meaningful relationship work as well as causing damage to trust and robbing a couple of the prerequisite need to feel unique and special to one another. If a couple is dealing with this situation, the relationship with the third party must end before meaningful improvement in the marital relationship can occur, or if contact cannot be eliminated due to work realities or other necessary affiliations, clear messages of a change in the nature of the relationship with that third person must be firmly given and lived out. No secrets. The secrets have as much deleterious impact on a marriage as the third relationship itself. If an affair is revealed it is important to know that recovery from affairs are possible, but professional counseling is certainly recommended. Trust takes a lot of time to recover once lost. But where there is true sincerity and remorse, confession and repentance preferably guided by a professional counselor with that training, love and trust can bloom again. However, if there has been a sexual addiction and sexual trauma involved in the betrayal, the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts and Trauma Specialists (APSATS) is a valuable and essential
resource. Herschel’s sister is a certified APSATS partner coach, so we have good data in this area, too.
There, those are the three tickets we believe are essential for a couple to have a chance at a good marriage regardless of their faith profession, but certainly for a Christian marriage: safety, emotional availability, and trust. With these in hand, you can board the good ship “Marriage of the Sea” and begin your navigation. Next month we will begin our discussion of the five practical areas for implementing the Christian truths about love and commitment. Those were, if you remember: (1) becoming more Christlike as a married person, (2) resolving the fundamental balance of power in the marriage, (3) risking emotional vulnerability, (4) resolving daily conflicts, and (5) enjoying the romance and passion of marriage.
So, we’ll pass on the “Margaritaville of the Sea” offer. They’re probably counting on getting their fares from onboard gambling anyway. That old recliner sounds like a better deal especially since the one next to it has a Lands End model sitting in it!
Dr. Herschel Hughes, Jr., CDR, MSC, USNR (Ret.) and Dr. Anne S. Hughes, LCDR, USNR (Ret.) are CMF Local Reps who are engaged in CMF’s Marriage & Family and Combat Trauma Ministries. During different seasons of the year, they are able to adopt a vagabond lifestyle with their RV and enjoy traveling to different military ministry posts while continuing their own Bible teaching and ministry via video conference.